Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Randomize
