The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
