i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Randomize