Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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