I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I love you.
Bad choice
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
