Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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