....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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