i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
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