My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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