just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
