bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
