Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize