just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
