Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I just forgot I was standing up.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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