why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
