Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
