so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
