I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Another day, another engagement, another cat
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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