Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
