they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
