I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Randomize
