my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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