I'm lost and stupid without you.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I would fuck him just for his dog
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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