Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
