True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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