my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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