You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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