I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Randomize
