I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
PANTIES FOUND
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
