I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
