how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize