mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
