I will die if light touches me.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
