I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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