Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
