Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Text me some of your sweat
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
