I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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