I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
