remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
