I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
