I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I have post one night stand depression
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
