i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
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