Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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