I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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