So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
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