i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
