How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
