Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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