how hairy? two words: wookie tits
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
If I die, sorry about rent.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize