I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
awww and there was just a proposal on stage with the pussycat dolls !!!!!
Did someone propose they get off the stage?
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
