I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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