totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
