I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
