no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
