last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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