Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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