I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
