Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
