Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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