sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
You ate ashes out of my bong
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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