Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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