Your tits are I can't wait for
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
