I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Randomize
