we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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